Weekend Update

First Up:  Poll Results
6 Of you responded that you had skinny dipped.  I actually did not respond but I would have been a no.
Now I want to know which ones of you did the deed!   Admit it!!  And do tell of the circumstances!
New poll up now!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Many thanks for all the complements on my new profile pic.  Especially my Wayne who actually asked if I were near goal weight.  God bless you, but no.  I have about 30 more to go just to get out of a plus size.(The check is in the mail)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How was everyone's holiday?
I covered most of this on my other blog.  But you guys also get a bonus feature.
You know when my daughter told me "I AM NEVER EVER COMING BACK TO LANCASTER AGAIN"!!  I cleaned out her room and made it my study. 
Lately I have been in a bad mood.  A pissy mood.  A "I Don't Really Give A Shit" mood.  About everything
This is not good.  I think it is a symptom of my chronic stress situation.
Anyhow.....  It is shocking La Chupa which is a good thing.
When I got rid of her bed I put a small ornamental day bed in my study.  I put sheets that are a little cutesy I will admit, but they feature ladybugs.  La Chupa is phobic about ladybugs.  I also found wall stickers that matched and this week I put them all over the walls.  She is dumbfounded by this.  I have also told her she is only welcome on Saturday nights. 
And..... I used a curse word she had never heard me say before.  It is freaking her out.  I am enjoying her discomfort far more than I should.
Tomorrow her dads and I meet with her teacher and school counselor again.  The last time we did this she tried to commit suicide later so let's pray that doesn't happen again.
Meanwhile.... I am agonizing over figuring out what to do with my life in terms of my education tonight.
Wish Me Luck!

Lassie! Did Timmy Fall In The Well???

Milk Chocolate, eh????
Hmmmmm
Is it telling that I prefer Dark Chocolate???
I think so too!
New Poll Up Today:
Have You Ever Been Skinny Dipping?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Meanwhile, back at the Ranch, Lassie is sounding the alarm
She is worried that my dark ravings could come back and bite me in the ass some day
I must confess that I gave this some thought but then decided I was safe to ramble so long as I kept this blog Vampire like.  That is to say evil cannot come in unless it is invited.
And then I was reminded that someday I might summond the guts to look for a new job
And that said new job person might explore the land of google and happen upon this blog,
Curses--- might I be foiled?
This is certainly food for thought.  Thank you my good friend, for making me think of where the road may lead that I am stumbling down....
And tonight (for I was writing this yea along the mid of night) I am stirred up.
I had an epiphany today sitting in my car for a very long time
Alone in the parking lot
I should have gone back to work (off for a memorial service)
But I didn't    I sat there in the car and started texting everyone I know
Like a fishing expedition.  To see if I could hook anyone into my deep dark place
And I was sucessful because I snagged Waynal and drug him down with me for a time
Where we discussed life and our children and my terrible sad state of being
And I realized that between my job and my daughter I feel like an abused wife.  Beaten down until I am frozen like a deer in the headlights.
Maybe a squirrel.  Because the squirrel has a certain pun-ish quality (re: mental state)
Because I feel like I am in a very bad place
And yet I cannot seem to do anything about it
And it will surely run me over
And over again.
ON THE OTHER HAND
I am looking almost socially acceptable these days, no?

Butt Dailing

The other day my cell phone rings
It is La Chupa
I can tell right off because the ringtone goes something like
DON'T ANSWER THE PHONE SHE IS JUST GOING TO WANT SOMETHING AND SHE KNOWS THAT SHE MANIPULATES YOU FOR MONEY BUT SHE DOES IT ANYWAY
DON'T ANSWER THE PHONE SHE IS JUST GOING TO WANT SOMETHING AND SHE KNOWS THAT SHE MANIPULATES YOU FOR MONEY BUT SHE DOES IT ANYWAY
DON'T ANSWER THE PHONE SHE IS JUST GOING TO WANT SOMETHING AND SHE KNOWS THAT SHE MANIPULATES YOU FOR MONEY BUT SHE DOES IT ANYWAY
And all I hear is movement.  And muffled voices.
And I am saying "Hello?  Hellooooo?" and I still hear the same thing.
So I hang up.
And I call her dad.  No answer
And I call her step-dad (and we all know that isn't MY husband, right?) No Answer
And I text her dad
And I text her step-dad
And I start imagining that she has tried to hurt herself again and she is half concious and she is trying to reach the phone to call 911 but she can't do it and just hits re-dial and she gets my phone and she is just laying there in trouble.  And my heart is pounding and I am about ready to faint and I am thinking I should call 911 myself.
And she calls back
Butt dial
Sorry
20 minutes later her dad calls   Meeting phone off
22 minutes later step-dad calls  Dentist
I change my underwear
And go back to work

Did You Know....

This has been a long day with some interesting discoveries.

Some time this morning I lost my ATM card. 

Again. 

 For the 2nd time in about 6 months.  I looked everywhere.

The day was typically crappy at work.

Mr Burns called me up to tell me that I had to find $80,000.00 by the end of the day or all of our paychecks were going to bounce. 

Again. 

And while I was trying to explain why we had not gotten a check that had been mailed on Thursday the 10th had not reached the office (because they used the wrong zip code) but before I could get it all out he interrupted me saying "Are you going to stop talking so I can say something?" 

Readers, I am very tired of eating poop every day.  I am very tired of not saying what I would like to say.  But I just keep eating it.  Because I am afraid of losing my job.

BMD is going to be leaving soon on maternity leave.  From a business standpoint this sucks because that means I lose my Spanish translator and the person who does a huge chunk of the work.  From a personal standpoint that means I will be the only woman in the company again and this is not good.  And I will be alone in the office with the guys, one of whom makes me completely insane.  Plus she has become a good friend.   The prospects of this make me feel sick.  Sick I tell you.  I don't know what she is going to do without me, I make her like that much more interesting.

I needed to drop a check off at the end of the day which took me to a part of town I had not seen for awhile.  Yikes, this part of town has gotten scary.  I noticed I was running out of gas and decided to stop at the AM/PM over there which was a bad idea. 

DID YOU KNOW...... that AM/PM doesn't let you use credit cards?

DID YOU KNOW...... I gave all my cash to La Chupa the other day to take the train home?

While I was giving up and getting ready to leave some dude came over and tried to sell me his watch. 

I said "No thank you Mr. Scary Guy" and got the heck over to my side of town.

Got some gas at a friendly Credit Card Friendly Chevron station.

DID YOU KNOW... that all of this took more than 20 minutes so it was too late to go to the bank.  So I pulled over to the side of the road and called my bank to report a missing ATM card.  The replacement will take 5-10 business days which will be more like 5-10 months based on recent events (I have had an order of tights that has gotten lost twice now)  And that the temporary card will not be able to be used in stores?

Then I went over to the Cinemark movie theater where I learned another interesting fact.

My sister and niece had headed over to the theater to see "Footloose" and I was supposed to come on over as soon as I could.

The movie was listed as starting at 4:30 (which left a good 15 minutes of trailers and assorted Cool Hamster Commercials)  I got there at 5:05pm

DID YOU KNOW... that the movie theaters will not sell you a ticket to a movie that started more than 30 minutes prior? 

DID YOU KNOW..... that they will sell you a ticket to the next showing, but they won't let you inside.

And they don't care that your family is waiting for you in there. 

And Dennis Quaid who I think it the sexiest man over 50 that exists in the world today.

Dennis--- I am so sorry.  So very very sorry!

So, I gave up!

I went home, got my jammies on and starting blogging about my crappy day.

When I am finished I am going to pull the covers up over my head and go to sleep.

Soilent Green Is...............

I never really noticed how ubiquitous meat is until I gave it up (today's special word is: ubiquitous  See Below)

Can you say "ubiquitous"?  I knew you could!!!
I was vegan from July to Mid-September.  It got really hard.  I got worn out trying to figure out what to eat especially because I was also trying to eat a diabetic healthy diet.  I mean--- oreos are vegan.  French fries are vegan.  Sugar is vegan.  I missed cheese and eggs. I was craving protein.  I was starting to have (Chicken) breast fantasies.
So I became a Ovu-Lacto Vegetarian and I remain so to this day.  This means I eat dairy and eggs.  But no meat.   I dont like the term Ovu-Lacto because it sounds like I am performing some sort of primitive fertility ritual. 
Being a non-carnivore is a trip.
People seem slightly afraid of vegans as if it means you suffer from some vaguely mis-diagnosed mental illness.  And I even shave.  My legs AND my armpits.
Which reminds me that I noticed that La Chupa has one smooth armpit and one very hairy armpit.  I asked her why that might be.  She says that she shaved one side and she got cold so she decided not to do the other.
I SWEAR THAT IS THE TRUTH! 
She got cold.
If any of you have odd children and can relate, can I get an AMEN SISTA?
Being a vegetarian isnt quite so bad.  But it is still a lot like being the only non-drinker at a cocktail party. 
The hardest part is also a lot of why I am still holding this line:  Fast Food
If you are a vegetarian your fast food choices are very limited and for me that is a very good thing.
When I am dieting I don't like to waste calories on things that aren't a good value for the calorie.  For example I am not big on eating a crappy salad just to have something to eat.  If you want to go to lunch with me and I am not happy to eat something on the menu I will just drink myself through lunch.  Deal with it.
I know it makes you uncomfortable but I am still not going to eat a crappy salad just to make you feel better.
That is right--- dieting makes me kinda bitchy too.
And the diet isn't going all that great right now.
I am bored
I am tired of trying to figure out what to eat
I am tired of looking at a menu and seeing frickin CHICKEN ON EVERYTHING!!
Chinese CHICKEN salad
Cobb salad with CHICKEN
CHICKEN Apple Pecan salad
CHICKEN wraps
CHICKEN CHICKEN CHICKEN
(Boc bocboccccc   Boc BOC  COCKADOODLEDO)
Hrrumph!
I am okay now
I think I will go have some beans.

The results of the Phone Calls on the Potty Poll:
37% of us see no problem with talking on the phone while we are on the potty.
I hear the guys I work with talking on their cell phones all the time,  Business calls.
Okay so I hang out in front of the bathroom at work--- what of it?
50% Of us admit to answering a call only if we really have to, like if we are the President of the United States and a meteorite is heading for the Earth and you are really really important and you cant put the phone down long enough to go potty.
12% of us say No Way Parkay to chatting and tinkling.  Some people just cannot multi-task.
New poll is out:  How Do You Do Your Chocolate.
Have I ever told you that La Chupa doesn't like chocolate.
I know, right?
YOU GO VOTE ON THE POLL AND LEAVE A COMMENT DAMMIT!!  If you can use the word of the day in your comment you get extra brownie points.  Ummmm brownies.......

u·biq·ui·tous

   /yuˈbɪkwɪtəs/ Show Spelled[yoo-bik-wi-tuhs] Show IPA

adjective

existing or being everywhere, especially at the same time; omnipresent: ubiquitous fog; ubiquitous little ants.

FYI Comments

Some of you are still having problems leaving comments.
I am stumped
I really want you all to have a voice on this blog
Because this is YOUR BLOG
(no not really, it is my blog.  I am a blog hog)
(But I am trying to learn to play with others)
So, here is the thing
Please try one more time to leave a comment
And if you still can't then email me and I will post your comment for you and no one will know I did it
Because some of you are out there
I can hear you breathing
But I need to hear your voice
Remember, this is not YOUR BLOG!

Smart Leadership

Note:  I am sure you will all be happy to find out that I finished my Anthropology paper on Neandertal man and whether or not he was human.  This is a very good thing for several reasons:  I can stop dreaming about primates now.  I have more time to blog.  I can stop trying to figure out when humans became Human and how this relates or doesn't relate to my faith.

Back to the real important work of my life!
You will notice a new Poll.  I will address last poll soon.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You may find this hard to believe but Construction Workers are not
 necessarily the sharpest knife in the drawer.
I have so many examples of this but for now I will relate two.
About a year ago we had a guy who got bit by a Mojave Green Rattlesnake. 
These bites are very serious and he was airlifted to a hospital equipped
to handle these sort of 'accidents'
Because of course it was an accident, right?  He told the HR Manager (me)
that he reached into his tool bag and the snake bit him.  Must have crawled into
the bag and how would anyone expect that right?  Except later on it came
out that he saw the snake slithering around (this jobsite was in a desert area) and
he decided to catch it himself.  So he went to grab it and GUESS WHAT HAPPENED??
That is right, it bit him.  
Shocker, right?

So last week my boss, let's call him Mr. Burns from now on, has a crew on a jobsite in the mountains.  The security guard pulls him aside and tells him that a baby bear cub has been seen in the area and asked that he relates to the crew that this can be a dangerous situation and be on the lookout for the mama bear.  Mr Burns halts work and takes the crew out looking around to find the bear cub, which they find and take pictures of. 

Of course they do because a great leader takes his people directly into danger.

They found him later, the victim of an accidental grizzly bear attack. 

The police have been investigating how no one noticed how

 the raw alaskan salmon got in his pants.

(In case you are worried, the part about him dying is just

 a fantasy, preminition , wishful thinking

complete fabrication.  I have no idea what made me even think about it)

Idiot Conversation With General Contractor

Have I ever told you that I work in the construction industry?
Do you know what that is like? 
For most of my adult life the man to woman ratio in my worklife has been 200/1
That is a lot of men to deal with
The other day I had the following conversation with an idiot


Idiot Man: Vendor says they haven't gotten the check we sent you  (note it was a joint check which means it was made out to our vendor and to us and we had to endorse over to them and send to them to keep)
Me: I mailed it last week
Idiot: Well they don't have it
Me: (silence)
Idiot:  Do you have proof you mailed it?
Me:  No, I sent it regular mail
Idiot:  Did you take a copy of the envelope?
Me:  (OMG REALLY DO PEOPLE DO THAT?)  No
Idiot:  What are you going to do?
Me:  I guess you need to re-issue the check
Idiot:  But where is the check?
Me:  I mailed it.  I don't know where it is now, just that I do not have it.
Idiot:  Well, what are you going to do about it
Me:  (Banging head on wall)
Idiot: I was trying to help you out by sending that check.
Me:  I know and I appreciate that but I sent it in the mail and there is no way to know where it is so we will have to get a new one.
Idiot:  That will take a whole week.
Me:  (And........)
Me:  (Stapling my fingers to my earlob)
Me: (Stabbing myself in my eye)
Me: ( Giving myself paper cuts)
Moments pass
Idiot:  What are you going to do about the check?
Me: (Jumped Out My Office Window)

Numb Nuts Strikes Again

First for those of us who are worrying about my butt, it isn't too bad today.
I think I will try the new Step Class at the YMCA tomorrow!
Second:  Please say prayers and think good thoughts for VeggieCat's furry named
Jasper who is battling cancer.  Purrs for Jasper And his Furmom.
Here are the results of the last poll:
22% of us Fold Up Our Underwear And Put Away In Our Underwear Drawer
77% of Us (Including Me) Just Put The Wad Of Clean Under-Duds In Our Drawer
11% Of Us Leave Them In A Basket In The Bedroom
My Mother Always made me fold up my underwear and put away in my drawer
I hated that-- It left me emotionally traumatized.
There is a New Poll Up!
Be Sure To Vote!!
Meanwhile A Very Small Rant About My Sister's Idiot Ex-Husband
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The other morning my sister catches a text sent to her 12 year old daughter's

cell phone (which she has kept so she doesn't get tempted to use it at school)

It says:

"OMGOSH I am so horny for you looking at your pictures and listening to you sing....

I cannot wait to see you!"

Her father sent it to her on accident. 

 He says it is an old text his new ex-wife had sent him. 

He said he was so relieved it wasn't the one he thought it was!

Classy, right?

My sister and I often speculate about the choice of men we chose to be the father of our children.

TOOT!!!

First I must apologize to those of you who expected to see a blog about farting.

It isn't like I am above blogging about farting, it just isn't on my mind at the moment

No, today I am Tooting My Own Horn!!

Because today--- FINALLY-- I was able to do my Downward Dogs at my Yoga class!

Actual Downward Dog

Thank you!   Yes, thank you very much!

This has been a goal for all the weeks I have been going to my yoga classes

times a week but have not been able to complete this very basic position because

 my shoulders and arms were not yet strong enough.

But today I was able to do it!  YAY ME!

Human Downward Dog (When I lose another 150 lbs I might look kinda like this)

Unfortunately toward the end of class I felt a "POP" in my butt region which I

 believe was my hamstring mocking my excitement over achieving the Dog

 and reminding me that I am hardly a yoga master.

So tonight I am nursing a sore butt--- which really sounds wrong. 

Yet I will leave it in here.  Which tells you a lot

Since I am busy patting myself on the back (which is not actually a yoga pose)

 I will also add that all of my jeans are ridiculously big on me. 

 BMD has noted that my pants are not doing my butt any favors these

 days and she is Mexican so she knows her bagging sagging jeans. 

So I am going to go by something that fits tomorrow I think. 

I am very proud of myself as all of you should be also.

I am going to have a small ice cream sundae from McDonalds to celebrate.

Excuse Me, Mr Boss--- You Have Toilet Paper Stuck In Your Underwear

The other day at work BMD gets an email that probably was intended to be between the President and Vice President of my company.
El Presidente is clearly venting about the sorry state of my office staff.
I once was called the Office Manager
This morphed into the Controller
Which means that I have even more responsibility in spite of the pay and benefit cuts but calling me something more authoritative just sounds so much cooler.
So, in some capacity, I am supposed to be in charge of what the rest of the office staff does. 
Or doesn't do.
Apparently we aren't doing anything lately
And what we are doing is crappy and unorganized
It was the email equivalent of gossiping about someone in the ladies room only to have them open the door, walk past you, freshen up their lipstick and walk out the door.
BMD and I had a partial office staff meeting whereby I brow beat her into replying to the email just so they know that she knows what they said and probably I know what she knows they said and who even knows who else knows what I know she knows they said.

There was no response.

Yesterday I got a piece of mail addressed to
LeAnn L Fenner-- President of Circling The Drain Construction Corporation
I am so excited!
I think I got a promotion--- I wonder how much more pay I will lose now?

Flu Shot: Plan B

The other day I got a flu shot at Albertsons.
This is not, in itself, all that interesting.
What was interesting is the "goodie bag" they give you if you are good and don't scream/cry/slap the shot giver.
I was good!
So I got a bag that had some Aleve, cough drops, anti bacterial wipes and other items PLUS a whole book of coupons for cold and flu relief products.
Which begs the question:  Have they no confidence in their flu shot???

A word or two about your blog nicknames
Some of you have come forward to name yourselves which is great because if you don't I will be forced to come up with some myself.
But Hello Pooper Scooper?  Really?  Do you really think that this could only be one of you out there?
You are going to have to give me another hint, okay?

There is a new Poll.   I expect you all to answer

When Things Were Simple

I miss the days when my kids were little.
When a cuddle could fix most everything
And getting them to sleep was a problem-- not getting them awake!
I miss those golden years before hormones kicked in
When they asked the really interesting questions about life and dinosaurs
And listened to your answers
And believed what you had to say
I miss the days of legos and Pokemon
And finding cute barrettes
I miss making Halloween costumes out of old clothes and stealing the best candy
I miss the hope that we would always go to church together
And we would be some version of the Rockwell painting however quirky
And that the next generation would be the best fun ever
But I will get over it

Nicknames

Since this blog is an alternate universe I think we should all have nicknames.
We already have Chupa and we all know who that is
I am Dark Geeez (Combo of Yoda and Darth Vader)
We have The Easier Child who I will call Easy Rider (we know who that is)
We have NN (Numb Nuts) who is my sisters ex-husband
We Have BMD (Baby Mama Drama-- who is a co-worker)
Leave a comment with your name choice.
Or I will make one up myself!
HEY BY THE WAY!!
This blog is interactive.
Which means I expect comments
And when I post a Poll------- you damn well better cast a vote!!!
Don't piss me off!  I am a tornado of anger these days.